Grief 3

by Monica Ex

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what a nasty thing nostalgia is
I didn’t even like the past that much
if i went back now
what would i go back to?

reinvent redirect
I don’t know how to do these things yet
but I’m gonna figure out how to

everything’s new everything’s young yet
anxiety caught in my chest
fortune teller tell me my best interest

my fingers they don’t play for me
adequate oh adequately

gonna get up and get up and get up and make it

the pulsing in my finger pads went quiet
my brain turned to stone
my heart longed for what my brain couldn’t churn out

all my grievences are to the point
inaction leads in the wrong direction
and my brain it tenses every night I’m not in motion

there are a ton of reasons why I should stay still
I don’t like myself
I don’t like the sound you hear when I speak

but I’ll never get any closer

I’ll never get anywhere different

If I don’t move

there’s stress smoke that wells up inside of me
and seeps out every orifice
when I’m not working towards it

I was born a mountain
but what I want to be is something much smaller
much different
and the progress I make everyday might be equivalent
to trying to reduce the surface area
and change the shape of the mountain
by hitting a pick axe against it’s surface
this only makes a minute change
and I may die before the mountain forms into what it should be
and I may live my life being appreciated as the wrong formation
but it won’t stop me from working on progress


released December 22, 2015



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Monica Ex Massachusetts

I record confusing bedroom in my music. I music bedroom music in my confusing. In bedroom confusing I my music. In my music I record my bedroom.

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